An ode to gluten



*at the time of writing this article its author knew pretty all there is about the harm that mass produced yeast, raising agents and baked soda can cause, but was yet to be educated enough about the health problems that gluten can cause. therefore, author is sure that the recipes and text it self is still relevant if reader substitutes the words “wheat flour” to “buckwheat flour”, “corn flour” or any other gluten-free flour.

i must admit that this post is written on the same day that the last one was published. and the main inspiration for it is not just the enthusiastic response that the author received (special and tremendous thanks on this one, though to be honest i still think those who read me just feel sorry for my lack of other, certain talents). oddly enough, artemy lebedev was the one to cash some truth out by suddenly posting about gluten. it is also important to note that, this ode to gluten will most likely interest the chick population more.

first allow me to tell you how it all began. i am based in cyprus now. not to offend anyone, but majority of people here do not care about healthy diet. bio-, raw- and vegan shops are still in the birth phase around here and it is quite habitual to see a cypriot warmly greeting you while he is setting up a barbecue to roast some baby lamb next to his stairwell.

i have spent hours reading nutritional information of each and every product provided at local bakeries. i was horrified by realizing what exactly my family members were putting into their bodies. the decision was obvious to me: go and grasp the nettle.

pastry… it actually provokes pathogens inside the gut itself, but you really don’t want to know how nice it is in comparison to the “presents”  given to your body by industrial bread (specifically gluten flour, yeast and soda mixed all together). there are still individuals like my dad, who can swallow an inch2 leather boot and not fall down choking, but the fact is that a normal person’s body is not able to digest it. Moreover, it makes the insides of our bodies cozy birth place for a huge amount of undesirable bacterias. and yes, people professing raw and strict vegans might punch me, but still there is a place for substitutes. same way as love dolls and dildos are better than nothing.


i can make pretty much any type of an event that you dream of come to life – a wedding, corporate event, birthday, fashion show, conference, etc. are all up my alley. and that is what I am successfully busy with on my non-culinary days. but when it comes to planning and running my stuff in the kitchen, most of the time it becomes a disaster. that is why you should not expect any precise numbers and ounce measurements, just cook with all of your heart and get ready to see the unexpectedly delightful reactions from the ones you cook for.

and look, there is one more bright side: the recipes you will find below are easy and fast to grasp, and for those of you who won’t follow my mood of self-sacrificing formalist which can’t start with baking before making the space look nice and tidy after whipping up the eggs, each recipe will take just about an hour.

okay, go!

 its easier than it seems aka yeast-free breads 

main ingredients:

3 cups of flour (I put wholewheat flour, which makes me feel a bit more guilt-free)
1 cup of a natural yoghurt
1/2 a cup of any vegetable oil (you can put a whole one if you are not afraid to get a little bit more booty afterwards)
1 cup of soaked oatmeal (better if you put quinoa or amaranth, it is after all gluten-free – a little less intoxication never hurt nobody)
2-3 cups of carrot juice pulp (or same amount of grated carrots)

ballpark estimation:

fresh dill
fresh parsley
salt and pepper
seeds (pumpkin, sunflower, hemp, poppy, flax, sesame. hemp seeds are especially important if this bread’s target market are kids – they will chuckle and say it’s eyes)

red onion and garlic

the act itself:

  1.  quite simple as you will soon see. put salt and pepper into the flour and then move down the list of ingredients – logically and consequentially, from top to bottom, without missing anything. as soon as you are ready, turn up the oven to 200 degrees and make little balls out of your dough while oven is still warming up.
  2.  let the round pastries chill a little by putting it into the fridge for 30 minutes.
  3.  put parchment paper on the pan, grease some vegetable oil in to the parchment paper (i will skip a tractate on how harmful heated olive oil is, okay?), take your round pastries out of the fridge and put them on the pan and cover them with foil. Put them into the oven and leave them be for about 40 minutes. voila!

since these breads are without soda, yeast and raising agents, be prepared that it is going to be a hard time for its content to be ready the same time as the crust, so just let them take their time.

the breads are most likely going to be ready in forty minutes, still if they’re not just turn off the oven and leave them alone for another hour or two. anyways, dough is toxic to eat while still steaming hot.


bye-bye miss american pie

i guess it is the right time to make a confession – yes, i do have a new juicer, and passion for a fresh carrot juice has made me produce vegetable pulp in industrial quantities. needless to say, there is just no place i could put it into anymore. that was until the moment that carrot cake came into my life.

main ingredients:

2 eggs
1 cup of sugar(I take 1/2 cup of brown)
1/2 cup of vegetable oil (most delicious if you put coconut oil instead)
2 cups of flour
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 tbsp nutmeg
1 cup of carrot juice pulp
a pinch of salt

ballpark estimation:


the act itself:

break a couple of eggs into the blender and start adding sugar very slowly, frequently mixing it into eggs – it takes a minute to do with a blender and five if you mix it by hand. If you do decide to do it by hand you can easily skip your next gym class. add spices and salt. generously pour the potion with oil, while slowly adding flour as you have already mixed the sugar in.

the readiness of the dough is easy to check – as soon as the spoon is standing straight in it- you’ve got it! then mix pulp into the dough. now it’s time for final touches.

not sure if there is a definite need for it, but I give a round little bun about half an hour to breathe a little cool air and put it into the fridge.

all that comes next is a sweet housewife dream come true – warmed up pan, airy parchment paper, oil drop smudged on it, rolled round little bun placed under a foil cover, 200 degrees, 40 minutes, and you are as happy as gluten can make you. For a total la vie en rose moment feel free to put some whipped cream on top…



not a one trick pony 

the pulp cake is prepared with any imaginable juice pulp. Does not matter if it is carrot, lemon and orange as it normally is for me, or celery and beetroot can too be great substitutes.

however, you still have to be really careful when it comes to citrus fruit – lemon peel is a good thing that one can have too much of. therefore I advice you to separate your lemons from their zest beforehand.

in the mean time the benefits of brown sugar (and i don’t mean drugs here) is an illusion of better life created by talented marketing teams hired by food industry, so if you are not totally addicted to it, feel free to forget to add it). noney would not work as an alternative here either – hope you all have already heard that it becomes cancerogenic when warmed up.


well, that’s it for today. one last thing – i wish you bon appetit!) eat consciously, and may all the buns in your life be plump and golden)

Stefanija Moroz for M-Couture Latvia
Text original:ода-клейковине/